Thursday, December 25, 2003

Aunt Ceil's Surprise02:26 PM CST (Link)
Christmas has always been one of those holidays that I love. Not because of the gifts or the food, but because frequently someone in the family does something odd, nutty, or goofy that subsequently becomes part of the family lore.

For instance, one year, old Aunt Cecilia, my grandmother's aunt, gave us all a very special gift. Aunt Ceil, as we called her, spent the night with us because we were to take her to the airport in the morning, so she could visit her daughter and grandchildren in Illinois.

Aunt Ceil was frugal to a fault. (OK, she was cheap.) She arrived at our house looking and smelling worse than someone from a homeless shelter. She wore layer upon layer of mothball-odored clothing, just so she wouldn't have to pack them. Her old brown suitcase was held together with quite a bit of duct tape and looked like a refugee from a garage sale. (Knowing Aunt Ceil, it probably was.) She had also stuffed $1,000 cash down her bra.

No amount of persuasion could get her to wear only one set of clothing or to put the money in a safer spot. (Then again, maybe that was the safest spot!) I'm glad I wasn't the poor person who had to sit next to her on the plane.

We also had to convince her that carrying a hand gun onto the plane was not a good idea. Even back then, carrying weapons onto a plane would land anyone in jail, little old ladies included.

Before she left for the airport the next morning, she lined up five purple envelopes on the counter--one for each of us. She wrote our each of our names on them and told us not to open them until she had gone, because there was a surprise inside.

Later that day, after making sure Aunt Ceil got on the plane safely and without being arrested on vagrancy or illegal weapons charges, we opened the envelopes in turn. Each had a $5 bill. We were quite amused at her, uh, generosity.

My turn was last. I opened the envelope and looked inside, expecting a $5 bill. Aunt Ceil was right. There definitely was a surprise inside. Absolutely nothing. The envelope was empty.

I laughed until I cried and then laughed some more. I know it was an oversight, because we had always been on the best of terms, but I never mentioned it to her. I still have that envelope somewhere. It was the best gift I got that year. It made me laugh.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Over the Hill at 2111:17 PM CST (Link)
Sunday before last, I washed a month's worth of mud and dirt off the Miata. As I scrubbed the grime off the tires, I was concerned to see that the right rear wheel was missing a lug nut. I tried to find one at the usual open-on-Sunday auto parts stores, but none would fit the lug.

The next Monday, after the West Texas dust storm blew through town and screwed up my wash job, I took the Miata to the dealer to buy a new lugnut. While it was there, I decided to get its 5,000-mile check-up, being only a couple of weeks shy of its appointed date.

Good thing. The service writer said the lug was about to crack off. I haven't run over any curbs or bumps, so I have no idea what would cause the lug to crack and lose its nut. He didn't either. I suspect a defective factory part. It's fixed now, though. You can be sure I'll keep an eye on those lug nuts from now on.

This particular dealer gives you rides to work in the morning and picks you up when your car is ready. I love that.

While riding back to the shop, the driver and I heard on the radio some kind of advertising that mentioned the upcoming Super Bowl 38. The young man driving the shuttle was distraught. He said he can hardly believe that there have been 38 Super Bowls. He still remembers the 30th, he said, lamenting his advanced age. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was 6 when the first Super Bowl was played.

Did I mention the driver was a young man? And yet, he is already fretting about getting older, being 20 and nearly 21. I nearly fell out of Roger Beasley's minivan when he said his buddies told him that everything goes downhill after you turn 21. I'm more than twice this guy's age and I'm still trying to find the top of that hill. For me, middle age is always next year.

Poor fellow. He's got a long, hard life ahead of him if he thinks he's already over the hill.

---

We're Done!04:32 PM CST (Link)
We're ready. I think.

We're done shopping. We're done decorating. Tiamo has had her Christmas bath. The only thing left to do is to wrap a few small items and run up to Central Market tomorrow to buy some rolls for Christmas dinner. Maybe we'll drive around and look at lights tonight. Or not. Maybe we'll just stay home, sit in the living room and admire the tree, drink hot chocolate, and listen to Christmas carols or watch Christmas movies.

For the first time in recent memory, I'm not running around at the last minute trying to find presents or stocking stuffers for Mel. I'm astonished at this year's foresight and resourcefulness that allowed me to finish shopping in record time. OK, it wasn't foresight at all. It was the wonderful world of online shopping.

Thank goodness. I dread Christmas shopping crowds. The only time I had to venture forth this year was last Saturday morning, when I got up at 6:30 a.m. in order to be at a certain store by 7 a.m. to get an item on sale. It was a significant savings, or I wouldn't have bothered.

All in all, though, the crowds haven't been as bad as I had feared or as merchants had hoped. Even the weekend after Thanksgiving was no more hectic than a heavyish weekend crowd. People were out shopping, but they weren't buying much beyond the items in the sales flyers. In fact, reports are coming out now indicating that sales aren't as good as early indicators had, well, indicated.

Who said the economy is in recovery? Not the guy who has been standing on the corner of Lamar and Ben White every weekday morning for the last two months. I had the top down on the Miata yesterday, so when I pulled up next to him at the stoplight, we exchanged greetings and I asked him how things were going. He said he's been to the day labor offices every day, but there is little work to be had.

I felt bad as I drove off, because I had nothing to give him. So even though we took the day off today, Mel and I got up early and drove over that way this morning to give him enough to buy a couple of meals or presents or whatever.

So now I'm waiting on UPS to deliver the very last thing I ordered for Mel. I ordered four inexpensive things for Mel's stocking. When I placed the order, I had enough time to opt for Amazon.com's free shipping. So, in its wisdom, Amazon sent these four things in three separate shipments. I'm sure it cost them quite a bit more to ship these things than they are worth, but hey, it's their money.

Most of the time, UPS just leaves packages on our doorstep. If I have something expensive delivered, I've started having them delivered to the office, for added security.

This last item cost me no more than $6.50. And yet, someone in Amazon's shipping department, either as a supreme joke or a mistake, or because they were pissed off at either me or UPS, sent it out Signature Required.

We've missed UPS twice now. The first time, the UPS guy banged on our door at 9 p.m. Friday night. We have a general rule not to open the door to anyone knocking on our door after dark, unless we know who they are. Yesterday, Mel missed the delivery by mere minutes.

Today is the third and final try, so we're stuck at home until they deliver the item. Not that we have anywhere to go. Because, like I said, we're ready.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Christians Unclear on the Concept10:48 PM CST (Link)
One of Mel's coworkers told her about the ongoing construction of a Nativity scene on the lawn of a church in his neighborhood. The church is making and setting up plywood cutouts of the usual assortment of Biblical characters, including Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, a large cow, a sheep…

And one giant pig.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Non Sequitor09:48 PM CST (Link)
Aren't you relieved when you come close to panic thinking that you might need a colonoscopy, only to remember that you ate a giant piece of red velvet cake the night before?

+++

"No, it's not too cold," we said with mucho bravado to our hostess, as we departed late, late last night after an evening of Trivial Pursuit and Cranium. We dropped the top and drove off. Three blocks later, we admitted that it was fucking cold outside. Six blocks later, we pulled into an empty parking lot to pull up the top. We drove the remaining 15 miles in toasty goodness.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Alternate Endings12:16 AM CST (Link)
I'm not saying that the Austin American-Statesman censors items it publishes within its pages.

I'm not saying that anyone old enough to be able to read the newspaper will have heard this word quite a number of times and probably have used it once or twice.

I'm not saying that I've seen far worse things in the comic pages even without using this word, such as the plain mean-spiritedness of Mallard Fillmore.

I'm not saying any of these things. I'll just show you and let you draw your own conclusion.

Get Fuzzy, as found in the Austin American-Statesman on Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003.
Get Fuzzy, as shown on the Get Fuzzy web site the same day.

See what I'm not saying?

Friday, December 12, 2003

Worst/Best Typo Ever10:31 PM CST (Link)
I was going through some papers the other day in search of an elusive bit of information I needed for work when I ran across a portion of an old newspaper that I had saved.

Why did I keep it? The Feb. 24, 1991, edition of The (Shreveport) Times Sunday Magazine contains the worst typo I have ever seen. (Or best typo, depending on your point of view.) I kept the paper because I knew no one would ever believe me if I didn't have proof.

After I found it (again), I scanned it so that I would have an online copy in the event I ever wanted to show it to anyone. So I thought I would share it with you. (I know it's not a great scan, but the original wasn't a great print to begin with. It's good enough to see the typo, though.)

It makes me giggle every time I see it, although I know at least one person who might be offended by it. So if you're that person, don't look.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Charity Begins on the Street10:35 PM CST (Link)
I gave a bum a buck the other day. Just one measley dollar. But what that dollar represents is the beginning of a really big change of heart for me.

From the day I brought the Miata home last August, I realized that, due to its open nature, I would have to modify some of my deeply ingrained driving behaviors, such as hastily flipping people off when they did something I didn't like. Plus, I've had to practice more elaborate eye-contact avoidance techniques from street-corner beggars.

I always felt better if I couldn't see the homeless person on the corner. So, I would hang back or inch up just enough so that a portion of my car or the car in front of me blocked my line of vision. If I can't see them, then they can't see me. I become invisible.

At least that's what our cat, Bub, thinks when hides his head under the sheets and the rest of his big rear-end hangs out for everyone to see. He is always surprised when Mel finds him and throws him out of the bedroom before we go to sleep.

I was lamenting my new-found visibility over dinner with Mel's family one night and I was talking smack, such as whether I should carry a bat or big flashlight with me for protection, when Mel's younger sister stopped me cold.

"Or you could just give them a dollar," she said.

I could just give them a dollar. I wouldn't have to practice avoidance. I could look them in the eye and say hello or good morning or whatever. I wouldn't have to ostrich while waiting on the light to change.

I could just give them a dollar. What an idea.

Now, before you go yelling about "feeding the bums just encourages them" and such, just think about all those dollars fatcat big businessmen squeeze out of us. A dollar fee here, a dollar fee there. It adds up. Would I rather have some multimillionaire sock away my dollar in his bloated bank account or would I rather give it to someone who actually needs it?

Yes, they take turns standing at corners. Yes, I've seen groups of them switching off. But really, it's not easy work. I certainly wouldn't want to stand out in the heat, rain, or cold for hours at a time. Yes, they might drink it or smoke it. But you know what? We waste money, too, on things we shouldn't eat, drink, smoke, or buy.

Something else I've learned over the years--this time from Mel--is that you should give someone a gift with no strings attached. If you give someone money or a gift certificate, you shouldn't restrict what they buy. It's easier on everyone.

The day after the conversation with Mel's sister, I stocked the car with a few dollar bills. Last week, everything lined up just right to provide the first chance to start my de-Grinching.

I do have a few self-imposed rules, though. I won't hold up traffic or create a dangerous situation for me or the person involved and I won't give to the same person twice, unlesss there are extenuating circumstances. Also, I won't give if there is a very obvious scam going on, such as those weirdos who dress up as nurses and go out in traffic to collect money.

I gave a bum a buck the other day. It felt good. I'll do it again, too, when opportunity holds up its "Need Help" sign.

Tuesday, December 9, 2003

House of Cards11:44 PM CST (Link)
A couple of weeks ago, I bought an iBook. Yes, another one. The G4 iBook was just too sexy to ignore. Besides, Mel, being the lucky girl she is, gets the cast-off G3 iBook, which is barely a year old.

I paid for the iBook with a credit card I use only occasionally and on which I never let a balance accrue. The iBook arrived less than 10 days later, all the way from Taiwan by way of Alaska, Indiana, and Memphis, Tenn. The day after, I received a letter from the credit card company's fraud department asking that I call them immediately. So I did.

They wanted to make sure the iBook was an authorized charge. But why did it take a week and a half for them to contact me? A thief would have cleaned me out by the time they got around to notifying me that something might be amiss.

The next day, I got a letter from the company of another credit card I have, indicating that they noticed I hadn't used my card in three months. If I don't charge something with that card by Dec. 22, my account would be closed.

This card has a fairly high limit, so I use it to purchase big-ticket items where I already have the money but I want the extra protection a credit card provides. Needless to say, I was speechless at this overt attempt to blackmail me into using their card.

My first impulse was to call them and cancel the damn thing. But then I would lose the security it offered. Instead, I added them to my iTunes account. I love iTunes, but I only allow myself to buy a couple of songs per month. I wonder if a $2 charge each month will keep them happy?

So there you have it. One card company contacting me because I used their card. Another contacting me because I haven't. What's a girl to do?

Monday, December 8, 2003

Can You Hear Me Now? Can You Hear Me Now? Can You Hear Me Now?11:42 PM CST (Link)
The credit card I use to pay my cell phone bill expired in November. No big deal, I thought. I'll just update the account with the new expiration date and all will be well.

So I went online to update the info, like I did two other services I pay in the same manner. Those other two accounts took a total of 5 minutes, max, to change the exipration date. With this company, which I won't name but whose initials are at the bottom of the alphabet, I never did find out how to do it. So one night last week, I called the 800 number listed on the Pay Bill page.

"Oh, we're Customer Service. You need to call the Finance Department to do that," she said. She gave me the 800 number. "But they are closed. You'll have to call tomorrow."

The next day, I called the Finance Department.

"Oh, you need to call the Online Services Department to do that," she said. She gave me the 800 number.

So I called the Online Services Department.

"Oh, you have to do that online," he said. "Just go to this particular page and put in your credit card information. It doesn't matter that you don't have an existing card listed, the system will accept the new number and delete the old one."

So I went online to the page the Online Services Department guy indicated and filled in my information. Want to see the result?

I tried again the next day and it finally worked. I hope.

However, the change isn't effective until January, so I had to make a one-time payment to cover December's bill. Again, the online bill pay form failed. So I called Customer Service to make a payment over the phone.

"Oh, normally you need to call the Online Services Department," she said. She gave me the number for future reference and continued. "However, at this company, we address your complaint the first time you call, so I can help you with that right now."

Thursday, December 4, 2003

Fresh Cut (Final)09:52 PM CST (Link)
While we always try to get our Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, often we don't get it decorated until the following weekend. In the meantime, however, everyone has a good time playing king of the forest.

It's great fun to sit under the tree and wait until someone comes by and pounce. Or, if we get bored with pouncing, we can rearrange the tree skirt or drape our tail over the train tracks to derail the Christmas train. Or we can just sit on the tree skirt and look handsome.

Wednesday, December 3, 2003

Fresh Cut (Part Two)11:13 PM CST (Link)
As promised, here are the Twelve Tree-Cutting Tips of Christmas (props to Mel for the list's title). You can use these tips when locating and cutting down a fresh Christmas tree. We learned what to do by trial and error and we hope these guidelines help make your tree-cutting experience fun and fruitful:

1. Bring someone along to help hold the tree while you cut (or you hold it while they cut). Or, better yet, have the high school student assigned to the tree area cut it down for you.
2. When you find a good tree but want to look at a few more, make sure you have a good visual reference to its location. Otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out where you found that perfect tree you saw just a few minutes ago. You would think the trees rearrange themselves behind your back.
3. Wear gardening or work gloves so that the needles don't pierce your skin when you are holding or dragging the tree.
4. Avoid kneeling in fire ant mounds, cockleburrs, or cow patties. However, if you end your tree-hunt in the emergency room in anaphalatic shock, go ahead and grab some supplies while you are there. You can trim your tree with a garland of used hypos and blow up a latex surgical glove for the tree-topper star.
5. Bring a gardener's kneepad. See tip No. 4.
6. Understand that large trees always look smaller in the field than in your living room; small trees always look larger in the field than in your living room.
7. Allow at least 6 inches lost to cutting and another couple of inches lost when you make a fresh cut at home and trim the bottom branches to get it into the tree stand. Then you have to trim a few more branches to get the bottom even again.
8. Set up the tree in your yard and hose it off with a high-pressure spray before bringing it into the house. The water washes away any remaining dead needles, dirt, pollen, and any remaining critters that might have hung on during the ride home. If you live in an apartment, you could try a self-service car wash. Beware, though. Someone might send over the men in white coats if they think it strange to wash a tree.
9. Make sure you let the tree dry before bringing it inside. Combining wet trees with strings of Christmas lights makes for one heck of a light show. Once.
10. Have someone help hold the tree while you adjust the tree stand (or you hold it while they adjust the tree stand). After you are done adjusting the tree, you may have to find a good chiropracter to adjust you.
11. No matter how perfectly you align the tree while it is in the back yard, you have to do it all over again once you get it inside, so just wait until it is in the house to fine tune it.
12. Above all, relax and have a good time. If it's not perfect, it's still your Christmas tree. And that makes it perfect for this year. Like Charlie Brown, you can make the most of its features with just a little effort. Turn the bare spot toward the wall. Wedge small packages into sparse areas. Hang lighter ornaments on weaker branches. Hang lots of ornaments to cover up bad spots. And if it's crooked, hang all the ornaments a bit crooked and pronounce it a Seussian masterpiece.

Happy Christmas tree-hunting!

Tuesday, December 2, 2003

Fresh Cut (Part One)11:02 PM CST (Link)
As we've done for the previous three years, Mel and I trekked to Elgin the weekend after Thanksgiving to cut our own Christmas tree. Because the tree is freshly cut, it doesn't curl up and die before Santa can eat his cookies and milk. Plus, it smells so good.

Evergreen Farms is our tree farm of choice. However, there are several tree farms all around Austin. You can find one at the Texas Department of Agriculture.

To those who wait until the week before Christmas to get your tree from the corner lot, here's a little tip: Those trees are the same trees that were sitting there on Dec. 1 and that were cut on Oct.1 somewhere in the Northwest and shipped to Texas. They don't get any fresher if you wait.

Advantages of cutting your own tree:
* It lasts a LOT longer than those trees you buy from a lot or nursery.
* Your money doesn't drive away in an RV with out-of-state-plates.
* After Christmas, you can recycle it with the city or mulch it yourself. If you live near the coast, you can use it in beach conservation efforts.
* Trees are a renewable resource. They clean the air and release oxygen.
* You get to spend a couple of hours in the country, enjoying the crisp autumn air.
* If you go to Evergreen Farms, you can pet the tiny donkeys and feed the silly goats.
* It's fun for the whole family, even if they don't come along to pick it out. If they come along, fine. If not, you have an afternoon in the fresh air to yourself and later you can brag about braving the dangers of dodging monster cow patties and wielding a sharp saw to cut down your wonderful tree.

You win either way.

Tomorrow: Tips on Cutting Your Own Christmas Tree

Monday, December 1, 2003

A Novel Conclusion11:47 PM CST (Link)
She did it.

By god, she did it. I'm so proud I could just about bust. My significant other passed the 50,000-word mark for NaNoWriMo with five days to spare. She's a winner! (And she's going to hate that I told you, but I can't help it.)

She's always been a winner in my book. From the first time I met her (OK, the second, but that's a long story), I knew her to be an extremely witty young woman. I fell in love with her and persuaded her that I was the girl of her dreams. After 13 years, I'm probably the girl of her nightmares by now, but hey, we're still together and I still love her. A lot.

About mid-October, I sent her the link to NaNo and mentioned that it might be a good thing to do. Both of us have been wanting to write more, but, at least in my case, haven't sat butt in front of a non-work-related keyboard long enough and awake enough to pound out the words. She latched onto the idea like an alligator on a honeypot. (Nonrelatives please replace "alligator" with "bear." My honey will get the reference.)

We both started strong. I gave in to deadlines at work and petered out long about 3,500 words. She kept going. And going. I tried to support her by being quiet around the house, trying not to talk too much (that was hard), and keeping the pets out of her hair. After many sleepless nights and writing every minute she wasn't at work and despite weekends filled with visiting relatives or visits to relatives, she finished right before Thanksgiving. We both were thankful, for different reasons.

It doesn't matter whether the book ever gets published. Just the fact that she accomplished such a monster of a goal is enough to crow about, in my opinion.

When I heard about Holidailies, I decided to try again. I figure if she can pop out 50,000 words in 25 days, I can do 50 words per day for 20 days (or more, if the mood strikes), no sweat. That way, I can be a winner, too.

Wait. I already am a winner. I love and live with a novelist.

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