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05/08/2004: "Plumbing Dignity"
You broke off the ball float in your toilet trying to raise it a bit to keep the toilet from running. Now what do you do? As an expert in plumbing repair, let me tell you how to stretch a 15-minute fix-it job to fill 3 hours. Friday, 11 p.m.
The first thing you need to do is find an adjustable C-clamp. Why? It’s 11 p.m. on a Friday night and you can't get the wall-side water valve to turn and you don't want to turn off the water to the house because showers and other nightly duties remain to be performed. Plus you have to consider the water-essential morning routine the next day because your partner has to work on Saturday. 1. Use the adjustable C-clamp to pinch the inside-toilet water valve closed. You’ll get an early start on the repair job after your partner leaves for work the next morning.
2. Grab a can of WD-40 and squirt the pesky valve so that it can soak overnight. Saturday, 8 a.m.
3. Kiss your partner goodbye as she heads out the door for work.
4. Go to the toolchest in the garage and grab a handful of pliers and wrenches.
5. Take the tools to the bathroom.
6. Sit down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and the newspaper, just to relax and gather your thoughts. 9 a.m.
7. Finish reading the newspaper.
8. Remove the cat from the arm holding the newspaper and shake your arm to restore circulation.
9. Go outside and turn off water.
10. Come back inside, grab a wrench, and try to remove the wall-side water valve.
11. Try to turn the water valve from the other side of the toilet.
12. Go back to the original side and try to turn the water valve.
13. Get the WD-40 out and give the water valve another good squirt. Shift your attention to the valve assembly inside the toilet.
14. Try to remove the lock nut holding the toilet valve assembly.
15. Use the other hand to try to remove the lock nut holding the toilet valve assembly.
16. Switch back to the first hand to try to remove the lock nut holding the toilet valve assembly. Finally, it turns.
17. Realize that as the lock nut holding the toilet valve assembly turns, so does the toilet valve assembly inside the toilet. Nothing is coming loose. You are screwing in vain.
18. Switch back to trying to remove the wall-side water valve, in hopes that the WD-40 has done more penetrating in the last 10 minutes than it had in the last 10 hours. 10 a.m.
19. Scream in frustration when none of the nuts you are trying to turn even budge.
20. Cry a bit.
21. Stand up slowly to give your cramped backbones and muscles a chance to untwist.
22. Wipe hands and face on paper towel. Try to get WD-40 off your cheek.
23. Call your partner and cry, throwing curses at the unyielding toilet.
24. Call your brother-in-law and beg him to help. 11 a.m.
25. Watch as your brother-in-law does everything you were trying to do with the greatest of ease. 11:15 a.m.
26. Test flush to make sure there are no leaks. Wasn’t that easy?
Replies: 2 comments
There is a lesson in this, which I fortunately got to learn the easy way: WD-40 IS NOT PENETRATING OIL. I never could get WD-40 to work for me, but a smallish can of Liquid Wrench penetrating oil has paid off very nicely that way.
Posted by Sam @ 05/08/2004 11:01 PM CST
can of WD40- 2 dollars
box of kleenex- one dollar
trip to home depot--22 dollars
Handy, understanding brother-in-law--priceless
Posted by smirk @ 05/10/2004 09:18 AM CST
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